Friday, May 29, 2015

My predictions for the plot summaries of the next six Cameron Crowe movies

1. A topiary gardener who has fallen from grace after a deal to make a giant topiary in Dubai shaped like the Eiffel Tower goes awry finds redemption in Adelaide, Australia, via the love of a quirky, passionate, feisty young woman whose interests include a passion for aboriginal culture and saving broken men. Also, he is a helicopter pilot and he saves Adelaide from a flood by lifting the entire town via a netting device we later discover he'd been making the entire film.

2. A coffee barista who has fallen from grace after he accidentally scalded a judge in the world championships returns home to Portland, Oregon, where he finds redemption via the love of a quirky, passionate, feisty young woman whose interests include indie music and saving broken men. Together, they knit a flower bridge that runs between the Burnside Bridge and the Fremont Bridge. Also, he solves global warming.

3. A zamboni driver who has fallen from grace after he accidentally ran over the mascot (also his [now ex] brother-in-law) returns home to Winnipeg, Canada to face his demons and open a tapas restaurant. At first it is a failure, but with the help of a quirky, passionate, feisty young woman, whose interests include being 1/4 Inuit and saving broken men, it becomes a success. Also, he becomes mayor. And his ex-wife forgives him for running over her brother. And then he starts driving a zamboni again.

4. A pet psychologist who has fallen from grace after one of his patients pecked its owner to death travels to Invercargill, New Zealand, where he performs an elaborate ritual at the world's southernmost pyramid, then decides to open the world's southernmost Arby's. He finds redemption through a quirky, passionate, feisty young woman, whose interests include knowing southern hemisphere constellations and saving broken men. Also, he prevents a mass suicide of terriers by using his pet psychologist skills, and his ex-wife forgives him and comes to work with him at Arby's. 

5. A theremin player who has fallen from grace after getting kicked out of his band due to ritalin abuse travels to space, where he provides the soundtrack for the opening of a portal to another dimension. He finds redemption through a quirky, passionate, feisty young astronaut (who happens to be a woman), whose interests include being an astronaut and saving broken men. Also, he beams the sound of the theremin over the planet earth, and it cures all cancers forever.

6. A bereavement coordinator who has fallen from grace after telling an 87-year old widower "you're better off without that skanky ho" travels to his hometown of Vidor, Texas. He finds redemption through a quirky, passionate, feisty young mortician, whose interests include being 1/4 black and saving broken men. Together, they bring racial harmony to the town, which it turns out was long known for being a white-only town. Also, he discovers he has the power to bring the dead back to life.